Something Wicked This Way Comes

Come one, come all to the 9th Wonder of the World!  Not since the purely philanthropic efforts of the benevolent Judge Roy Hofheinz has Major League Baseball been blessed with such an architectural gift.  While the Astrodome elevated the arena of baseball to new glorious heights, with its lush green carpet, which in addition to improving the trajectory of a batted ball, provided a soothing sensation to jet-lagged ballplayers, who would often take warmups barefoot to relieve the east-coast bias.  Not to mention the starry nights ripped from storybook romances that glittered upon euphoric spectators.  But times have changed, and with them the pleasures of man have evolved.  So without further ado, join us for a tour of baseball's latest marvel, a ballpark that illuminates the imagination, titillates the senses, and ushers the phantasmagoric possibilities of human conciousness...

Marlins Ballpark in Little Havana!!!

The fair maiden's wings spread to welcome all visitors: dignitaries, captains of industry, men, women, men in hats, children of all ages (shapes, shades, and temperaments).  All will find paradise inside the grand archway.  Once inside there is no limit to the pleasures one can seek.  There are parlour games galore, where children and children at heart can seek glory.  Get your kicks in the Pit, where a greased hog runs wild as fans tumble and entwine together.  The beholder of the hog wins the Rube Waddell pass, entitling him to a trough of beer and the right to do cartwheels in the 1st base coaches box for one inning.  There is the Dunk that Huizenga Marlin Tank, where fans toss oranges in hopes of sending a monocled man in white into a tepid tank of marlins.  Winners win kisses from Miami socialites the wrong side of thirty.  But perhaps best of all are the South Beach Races, where fans hop on mechanized ponies for a chance to be called out in the media by Ozzie Guillen.

For those with the coffers, Marlins Ballpark takes luxury boxes a step further.  Towering behind home plate is the White Elephant, where a man of esteem enjoys his view from the eye of a godlike elephant.  Or the tusk.

In accordance with the local style of shorts and sandals, the park offers a large swimming area behind the outfield where those unaccustomed to pants and close-toed shoes can feel more at home.

Don't Drink the Water.

And in a revolutionary step in cultivating homegrown talent, Marlins Ballpark offers a viewing room of future Miami stars.  While other teams still send scouts traversing the globe, the Marlins have turned to science and medicine to ensure a revolving door from within the organization.

So throw your worries to the wind, and come indulge in the evolution of human entertainment.  And watch some baseball too.